Dusk 2.0

Sleep. Intricate pieces of memories that replay violently the minute my eyes drop in demise. Flashes of rooftop quests and dusk-filled skies. Delude my dreams, leaving a trail of blood behind. Every night another story, ending in goodbye.

Break me open and you’ll see, there’s no more fight. Just a white flag drowning in memories and rough tides. Pain so great it seeps into time. Weeks become months enabling thoughts that aren’t mine.

Each night I feel the touch of your hand, perfectly entwined. I see hollow eyes that were once kind. Finger tips trace each freckle with another lie. Visions of your neck falling onto mine as I grip into flesh until the pain subsides. Teeth bite so hard, I want it to hurt, feel my cries. Tears paint a story that neither one could survive.

Dusk, once idolised.

My favourite time. Now embedded in nightmares I wasn’t equipped to revise.

Some nights I manage to distort that last piece. I turn the gun from my chest and place it neatly at our feet. I beg you to finish the job, please end this defeat! Impossible, when your hands are tied by regret and deceit.

You scream in a language I can’t understand. I was never taught the tongue of misguided men. I shout back my pain yet nothing comes out. Instead dusk-filled colours stream from my mouth, writing the word stop upon your self doubt.

There’s a shadow behind you, broken in despair. Holding a shattered heart in one hand with blood stained fair hair. “Thank you”, he whispers. He seems relieved. Only now I realise he was you, before me.

There are voices of people, muttering a circus of words. Always lined up in red & begging to be heard. They have mirrors to reflect all that I’d ignored. Flashes of apologies light up every turn, with three broken bodies hurled over my bedroom floor. I run away and glance back only to see, those people were my warning signs I’d failed to see.

Fragments of colours have built a home in my mind. Every night I visit a kaleidoscope of death disguised as dusk skies. The burnt pinks blend with the dark of night. That leaks into blood and drips heavy down my spine.

Lucid dreams are an incredible art form in itself. I’ve felt every move towards death as I tighten the belt. Grabbing a paint brush, black acrylic every time. And I paint over colours that flash over my goodbye.

I can hear the cracks from my heart mend with each final breath. Recluse from dreams you’ve hijacked as the unwelcome guest. A peaceful darkness for a second as I step off that ledge. Only to awaken in reality, frightened and without rest.

Months turn into years and I’m still waking up in sweat. Haunted by the memories of that afternoon…

you left.

Dusk

Coming into my life like dusk, did you know that was my favourite time of day? When the world transitions from light to dark. In this moment there’s a noticeable calm, a surprise of colours and sunsets that still manage to take my breath away. The prospect is short lived yet reoccurring- it’s comforting, powerful and out of human control.

You were this moment.

Coming into my life like that, did you know what was going to happen? At a time my heart was bruised and incapable of repair. You entered, unannounced and self assured. Maybe it was your earthy approach that caught my attention or the fact any anxiety disappears in your company. You were more powerful to me than any force of nature. The only person to overrule my nerves, make a myth out of hangovers and push me through the mundane comfortable hell I’d created. Did you carry these jobs unknowingly? Peace is a very unique gift to bring someone, especially when they’re heavily armed. Words so sharp as they’d launch from my tongue like weapons. I had built a wall and your calm, prudent approach diluted the barrier that once was and I hope you understand my gratitude.

Coming into my life like that, did you know what you were doing? Showing me a different side of love. A love that’s not lustful or selfish- everything I’d never known. A love so patient, I learnt to understand myself. There were no warning signs and no clear trail for navigation. It was the un-known and un-wavering kind. Vibrant splashes of colour started appearing in my clothes, hair and nails. There was a new dynamic to my naturally dark wardrobe. What happened before you? I’m not sure. I just know you arrived so peacefully I didn’t recognise the power. Did you know? You, superseded everything I’d ever known.

Coming into my life like that, did you know you’d be my friend? Your triumphs and failures became mine, like I had lived each minute of your day. I felt every silence, tone in your voice and step in your walk like I was the one walking it. Holding your hand felt more comfortable than my own. Loss of breath from the laughter you gave. Complete lack of air when you leave. And when you’re gone…everything suddenly goes dark.

Did you know? You were my Dusk.